MODE HEADER

Sunday

Why losing a friend hurts so much more than losing a boyfriend.


I don't like women. There, I said it. Now obviously this is hyperbole but the truth is, as a rule, I generally really don't like women. Perhaps a better way to phrase it is that I just don't get on or click with other women very often. On the magical rare occasion where I meet and recognise a kindred spirit, a fellow little ball of weirdness and too much mascara, I fall fast and hard into BFF love.

If I call you my friend then it means I love you with every single fiber of my being

I'm fiercely loyal and protective and would drop anything to be there to support you. But once you enter my circle of trust then boy oh boy do I trust you. My friends know sh*t about me that no boyfriend has ever or will ever know. A true friend is a comrade, a confidante and your partner in crime. We sit and we share with them our innermost thoughts, whatsapp them our seriously crazy midnight musings and laugh and cry during those 3am drunken chats. Our girlfriends see us at our best, funniest, drunkest, lowest and most vulnerable points - yet they still chose to love us. The phrase 'squad goals' may often be used tongue-in-cheek, but the sentiment behind it is real. All of us want a group of close friends, our very own little girl gang, that we know we can count on no matter what.

Boys, on the other hand? I'm in love with a different one each week

(Again, hyperbole) but seriously, although it's certainly not actually love, I do become enamored ridiculously quickly with members of the opposite sex. I've had five serious boyfriends and god knows how many dates over the past decade so it's safe to say that I find it much easier to connect with guys then I do with girls. I've had my fair share of rejection and have been completely and utterly heartbroken twice, once aged 21 and again aged 25. However this is where the old adage 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else' rings true when it comes to lovers.

There's no quick-fix for heartbreak

I'm not suggesting that hopping into bed with the first guy that catches your eye across a crowded bar when your seven drinks down and convinced your dance moves rival Rihanna's is going to mend your broken heart (hint, it probably won't) but, a lover can be replaced and eventually when you do meet someone else, the pain, whilst never truly forgotten, is certainly lessened when you find happiness with your new partner.

The reasons for relationships ending are endless

In my teens I ended it with someone because I had developed a crush on someone else. This guy was and is a genuinely wonderful guy who I remain friends to this day - nearly a decade later. There was nothing wrong with him as a person our relationship had just run its course. Similarly I've found myself broken up with for reasons ranging from long distance, not finding me attractive anymore and simply growing apart. Ultimately, there's only room in your life for one lover and if you end up being just a chapter in someone's story although it may be sad, it's not indicative of you as a person. You either break up or you get married. You and that guy just weren't end game, and that's okay. There's plenty more fish in the sea and there's more dating apps than you can shake a stick at.

Yes it fu*king sucks but you will recover from it, you will meet someone else and you will fall in love again

Friendships don't play by the same numbers game as lovers. Well, for most of us anyway. Everyone knows that relationships end and whilst your ego can certainly take a good beating, ultimately there is no shame in being broken up with and dumping someone doesn't make you a bad person. Plus it's okay, nay EXPECTED, to be upset about a relationship ending. But a friendship ending? There are no clear cut rules on how we're supposed to respond to that. Because there isn't a limit to how many friends you can have when someone decides they no longer want you as one of theirs, it seriously hurts.

There's no softening the blow

There's no puppy dog eyes, head shaking, a sigh followed by a 'it's not you, it's me' because, actually, when someone ends a friendship what they're really saying is 'it's not me, it's you.' Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned but nothing compares to a women pissed off with a friend. Therapist Donald Walch explains that, for women, hurt and resentment pile up in their mind. He refers to it as 'the stack' and in the stack are the hurts and resentments of the entire relationship. Like a kettle reaching boiling point, when a women decides she wants to end her friendship with you she will often unleash 'the stack', which basically means you have to listen to all the reasons why the person you viewed as a friend thinks you're a shi*tty person.

Everything you've ever done or said can and will be used against you

And once someone has explained all the reasons why they think you're a sh*itty person, it's kinda impossible to come back from. Plus, as Tracy Vaillancourt, professor at the University of Ottawa School of Psychology, explains, women often use less obvious yet more complex ways of expressing hostility, meaning a friendship break-up often becomes an ongoing silent yet vicious battle as both parties engage in things like social exclusion, criticizing appearances and spreading rumors. How many of us have fallen out with someone and then seen a wide variety of thinly-veiled Instagram photos and tweets which we just know are directed at us (and hands up now ladies, how many of us have done the exact same thing?). An ex-friend not only sticks the knife in but revels in twisting it - and they know exactly where to hit you so it hurts.

Lovers are like ice cream, friendship is like sand

If you drop your 99 Flake ice cream on the floor, it's a pretty sad occasion, right? But you can just go and buy a new one and it will taste just as good. Maybe they'll have run out and you'll have to wait a little while or even reluctantly try another flavour but then BAM you discover mint choc chip and wonder what the hell you were ever doing wasting your time eating vanilla. That's boys. But friends? Friends are like grains of sand. Every single grain of sand is completely unique and once a friendship has slipped through our fingers there's never any real way of replacing it.

As Carrie Bradshaw once uttered, 'Maybe our girlfriends are our soulmates and guys are just people to have fun with' and your soulmate rejecting you?

That really is the ultimate heartbreak.

Share:
© Jennifer Rosellen | All rights reserved.
Blog Design Handcrafted by pipdig