The Killer's anthem chosen for this blog title seems apt (albeit slightly on the nose) to sum up the recent Strictly Come Dancing Seann Walsh and Katya Jones 'scandal'. The second song lyric that comes to mind is a line from Rihanna's 'Take A Bow' - 'Don't tell me you're sorry cause you're not. Baby when I know you're only sorry you got caught'. (also a rather relevant phrase given the nature of the show Katya and Seann should probably take the hint, take a bow and make a swift departure from the show and pasodoble their way out of the door). Although tellingly, Seann has not actually apologised to Rebecca herself, merely to the media. After he was caught red-handed.
Prick.
However if there is indeed any bright-side to this (I'm done with the song lyric puns now) it's that Rebecca has managed to rid herself of a coward of a man in a dignified, mature and frankly impressively calm way She managed to to spill the tea on what a shit Sean is in a classy way and has garnered support and solidarity from people everywhere - I refuse to use the word sympathy - as she clearly states 'I am not a victim' and no, she is not, what happened is shitty but I don't feel 'sorry' for her as ultimately she'll emerge from this saga better off; Sean is the one who I feel sorry for in regards to what he has lost -
What struck me the most about Rebecca's brilliantly composed statement is that she points out that she had her (warranted!) suspicions but was continuously told she was being a 'psycho'. Oh my GOD how many of us have been there!?' In that EXACT SAME situation. When your gut instinct is screaming at you, the red flag is waving and flapping like a goddamn hurricane is coming and every single fibre of your being is telling you that something isn't right - but your partner simply responds by calling you
-crazy
-jealous
-insecure
-ridiculous
-mental
-nuts
-paranoid
-psycho
Bitches be crazy? No, bitches be absolutely correct in their suspicions and your gaslighting is a conscious and calculated attempt to deflect suspicion away from yourself in order to make us question our own sanity, to somehow twist the narrative by turning us into the bad guy and therefore allowing you to continue with your shady behaviour; dialling up the denial so we spiral further and further into confusion. (I was once told, verbatim, after I found a string of messages including picture messages from my ex to another girl that I was ‘insane’ and he would send ‘the exact same to Adam!' Hmm. Methinks that Adam would have been seriously questioning both my exes intentions and his sexuality if those pictures and messages had popped up in his inbox.)
It's not just gaslighting that shady partners indulge in when attempting to evade being caught. Most people I've experienced (and, unfortunately, dated) also subscribe to the 'ask me no questions and I'll tell you no lies' school of thought, that old 'what they don't know won't hurt them' chestnut.
But when you do get caught (and everyone eventually gets caught) you don't just hurt someone - you destroy them.
The 'it was only a kiss' in the title is not actually meant to be a joke based on a relevant sounding song lyric but was chosen to hammer the point home that the actual act in the video that has everyone talking - the kiss - was clearly a short, silly and stupid drunken snog and the kiss itself is not the scandal. The kiss is not the point. It was, as the title says, only a kiss. I obviously do not and cannot speak for Rebecca but from my own personal experience and that of others I know, it's not usually the isolated act itself - the kiss, the picture message, the phone call, the sex, the 'whatever'-you are-doing that you-KNOW-you-should-not-be-doing thing. The thing that hurts you, that breaks your heart and that irrevocably breaks the trust and therefore a relationship is the lying,
Deception is a destroyer. Plain and simple.
Human beings are fallible. No person and no relationship is perfect. People. Make. Mistakes. People hurt people they care about ALL THE TIME! But, if you do make a mistake you owe it to your partner to tell them the truth (the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help you God! But seriously...), to place the ball in their court and to allow them to decide whether they want to continue the relationship or not.
Based on all the facts. Not a tangled web of lies or half-truths that you've spun together and spoon-fed them.
If you fuck up you try and fix it. You do not fuck up and then spend your time thinking and planning of how to cover it up and get away with it.
Cheating in any form is inherently wrong - but it happens. And, of course, there are a multitude of different 'levels' (I can't think of a better word) of cheating. But if you are hiding or lying about your actions to your partner then you are clearly aware that you have done something wrong and when you hide your actions, be it by omission or by denial, it's like you've switched your partners sunscreen for tanning oil, handed it to them swearing blind that it's spf 50 whilst sitting back and watching them burn.
Admitting your mistake to your partner in my opinion is akin to hot water for sunburn - holy shit yes it hurts but ultimately what it does is it takes the sting out of it. This, for me, is why you need to step up and admit your mistake. To take the sting out of it for that other person that you've hurt. That 'humiliation' sting, the sting of the idea that you're the last to know, the sting that you and other people have literally sat and discussed ways to keep this secret from you, the sting of the knowledge that you've been lied to and gaslighted continuously, intentionally deceived in addition to being cheated on.
I mean option A is obviously don't be a shady fuck but this is 2018, we're all adults here and nothing is black and white, people make mistakes. So this is an open letter to all the guys and gals out there who are currently covering up their wrongdoings.
Admit your mistake.
Take the sting out of it.
Allow that person to chose to whether they want to risk going back in the sun or whether they've had enough and want to leave for the shade.
But give them the fucking choice.
And if you do have a partner that is as cowardly as Seann then I hope you can be as brave as Rebecca and walk away, head held high, knowing you deserve so, so much better.
__
(I realise that Katya is also married but her husband has not commented and as Rebecca made a public statement so I have focused on that. I have intentionally used the words 'people' as I am well aware that men AND women cheat! 'Bitches' is used as it's [sadly] the well-known-phrase!)